i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
