So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
