Define "chronic" masturbator.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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