I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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