why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
