Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
