Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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