i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
