You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
