Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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