i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
