just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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