careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
