I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
