I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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