I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
