I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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