how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
