He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
