you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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