there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Blood and glitter go together right?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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