wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
