My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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