Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
