that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
