Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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