Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
