Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
