My girlfriend figured out who you are.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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