Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
sarcasm needs its own font
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
