I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
