Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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