Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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