I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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