i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
