On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
