I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
