i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
