Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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