did you get engaged???
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
