I wish I could teleport
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
