I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
