I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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