You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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