yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
