So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
