I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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