Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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