i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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