Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
