life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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