I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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